Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
