I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
