Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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