I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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