cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize
