I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
