i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im holly from the hills drunk
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
