I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
