I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
