it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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