i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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