Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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