you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
