We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
