I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
