the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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