Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
