I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
