gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
