i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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