She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
