You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
