Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
