If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
