He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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