her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
