I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
