i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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