you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
