I love black thongs
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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