Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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