He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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