When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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