I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
