Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
