if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize