I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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