Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
