a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
