Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I touched a dick in church today
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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