Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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