i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
