my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I did not marry a roomba.
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