i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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