I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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