Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
