I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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