so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
