It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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