His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
