I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
