I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
