found the other keg... it's in the tree
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
